Foot prints of the past.

I am home.  Northwest Indiana.  Crown Point to be exact.

I am staying with my brother Will.  He and I have always been the closest siblings.. due to age and circumstance.. we just connect deeply.   He lives in a house that used to be my Mama's. (pronounced mi-maaw)  It is different now.   Remodeled...changed, but yet the same.

Today as I walked down the sidewalk, I looked down at my bear feet....  In a flash I was 10.  Running on rocks with no shoes on my feet.. Barely touching the ground.  Making my way up to the flower filled yard.  The sidewalk lined with daffodils..  Smelling the biscuits and gravy of Saturday morning.  Knowing that she made cookies last night... expecting the smell of mylanta and vicks that engulfed me in the mornings hug and "mornin' Donna Jane".   "How is baby girl today.. givin' your momma trouble?".      Mama knew I didn't give my mom trouble.. but always checked.  After a prodding to go wash hands, a quiz of what the news was from the house.  Where is Will and how long til he got there... (Will was a notorious dawdler.. took twice as long as me to get there, to eat, to fall asleep, to ride a bike). There was prayer, breakfast and OUR TIME.

We had just a few minutes, just her and I...  but I got to listen, and she got to talk.  She sang, :  "In the Garden, Victory in Jesus... talked about Pa Smith, so long gone I could not remember him, but still so there in her mind.   His leather chair still sitting in the front room.  His pipe still on the mantle.  Those memorials that stand to keep him always close.  She told of the plants that filled the house and how much each had grown.  The aches that told of the expected weather.  Then the announcement that her nose itched, Will would be there soon.

I flashed to that time.  I remembered the feeling of childhood.  The comfort of home. The spirit of God.  The Love of my Mama!  The COOKIE JAR!

I looked down at my feet again.   Now not able to stand for long on the rocky drive.  No more able to run like the wind, but somehow today, now, a little more agile.   I slip off into the grass... and before I know it - a cartwheel.  Haven't done that in 15 years!...  but boy it felt great!    The grass in my feet then hands then feet then hands, then FEET!  Exhilaration!

I BREATHE IN JOY but.. there is something sad... It all seems to have shrunk. ...  It used to seem a mile to mama's house.  now just a quick walk... the hill that made you FLY down it on a skate board, bike or roller skates (with a key - oh yes the metal ones...) was just a low grade slope...    It is all perspective.  Things that seemed so big to me as a child are in truth of today's perspective, quite small.   Likewise, the things that seem so important to me now, as a grown up, have just become not that important.  Here in the place where my view of life started.  Here, at home.  Walking in my own footprints of the past.

912 March - Would I do that?

Wow,  I just watched the video on CNN. yes CNN ..   I posed a question to myself.  Would I do that?

Would I go spend and entire day.. out of MY life... Taking my cleaning and lounging around Saturday and go stand in a crowd of people and listen to some people I don't like, some I do... Probably smelly people.. Probably some well.. freaks...  Probably som extremists that have less than best intentions.  Would I go?

I would.

I would, not only  to see the event, but to experience it in the true form of patriotism.  There is such a fine line between government and tyranny in this administration (and I will say it came crawling up on us thru previous administrations).   This country is on a preface of destruction.

A Day at the Track

I am catching up on my post - this one is from Wednesday.  May 9.

I am at the track... Not Horse - Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
I love the raceway.  The riotous purr of the engines....  The hum the tires make on the asphalt.  All the sounds echoing together.  Then They Drop The Bass.   (Sound crew testing the system behind me).    I sat in the open area right behind the Pagoda.  That iconic building that says "I'm special.. I get to stay in here while all you peons are in the infield."  


Why am I here on a Wednesday in May.  My buddy Cliff needed a ride and I needed solitude and change of venue to write.    I am learning slowly to not consider that house, my home.  The fact is, wherever I am, is my home.  Where my children are is home.  I finally have peace with it.  I want to start a fresh clean page.


My page has watermarks of the past.. but it can all be covered with fresh words of today hope filled words for tomorrow.


I scan the environment around me.. and take it in.   So much peace in so much chaos.  then I notice.....
There are 2 morning doves working next to me in this atmosphere.   My mind is in writing mode so it makes me analyze.  I have lived much my life like these doves.    Trying to build a nest in the awning.  You see them, grabbing twigs... pieces of hope.  Arranging them together on the I-beam.  Then the trial of winds come and with no word of explanation... blows them all away.


They re-group and start again one flight after the other, collecting any piece of scrap they can and shoving it up into the corner of the awning.  There is no safety there.  It has no real shelter.  It is exposed.  This time the vibration from the music shakes them loose, one piece falls, the dove dives down to rescue its little piece of security, the rest tumble after and the dove flies up through them  panicked.  
Being a carpenter's daughter, I quickly establish the problem... no plan, no structure, no design~!    They may have it in mind, but one was undoing what the other had done to make it their way.  Until one stays and shields the materials, and works with the other when new items of life arrive, this will never happen.  
Then I notice that one dove has been bringing much more than twigs..   Sprays of fur, a piece of fabric.. It has a different way of doing it.  I'ts partner only saw twigs.   When the creative dove would go back out, the twig lover would remove the string, fabric, or fur and re-arrange.  Loosing the materials was inevitable.   They had no mutual design for their life.


The wind came again.  Their materials scatter everywhere and they both fly off.   They did not wait for a moment of peace to work together and build the foundation of their home.  


Their hope scattered to the wind.. over and over.. they kept trying wit the materials life shows them.. straw, string, fur, twigs, brush.. Hope, Dreams, Friends, Lovers, Career, Children....   They just Live, Just Endure.

Today is wonder-meant...

Today I have been in bed all day.  To be honest it is day two of the pity-party that I can be.  I had a fight with a very special friend, I have stomach flu, My marriage is failing, and I just want to stay in bed ALL the time.


BUT!  I get scared when I do this....  My mind is weak unless occupied.  I know nature hates a void.


I let myself start feeling sorry for me... Shame Shame Shame.
I deserve better.   I have a wonderful loving family.   My brothers are amazing, my children are dynamic and full of life.  My God is in control!


So why the sorrow...  
I watched Hope Floats today..
I related to this movie when it came out.   I used to sparkle.   I was AUDACIOUS...   I lit a room when I went in.   I loved all, hard!   I embraced life that God brought my way and tried to inspire hope, and faith.  I will then do so once again.   I want to be who I really am inside.    I want to inspire again.  It starts here .. on a clean page.  Hope not only floats if you are patient, but if you are pro-active hope swims like an Olympic champ!


D