Birthday Blahz

Today is my birthday.  Well, honestly about midnight last night was the anniversary of my birth.  I am #8 of 8.  I am the only girl.  I was born on a Friday the 13 at midnight.  My mother and the nurse delivered me.   (like she was not a pro by then)  and Dad was thrilled that he finally got to give me his name.    I was kissed by the angels. (my birth mark is lips on my right shin) and I don't believe I was ever put down until I was 2 years old. 
      I love that sto's meals Friday and Saturday.  Then the kids are over for Sunday am Mom's Birthday Breakfast Bash!!   (I love that day).    I just want to go sit in a closet and be alone.

I imagine this is one of the steps of grief.      I mourned dad before he actually passed.  He was suffering from Alzheimers and we knew that time was drawing near.   I believe God let me know I needed to be prepared.  I cried, got angry - why such a wonderful man had to go through such a horrible disease!  I felt sad for me for a day or so, and I went into control freak mode when he actually passed.  (sorry to my brothers and family that had to deal with my A personality). 
     Step, step, step.

But  - today...     I was not ready for this step.   Real emptiness. 
 The "knowing" that we can't just go see him sitting on the porch. 

He is with his Lord.  He is happy.  He is whole!!    I know this and it gives me peace and comfort that you just can not imagine until you experience it.
    - But, I just miss him.

I can't say more right now. 

Love you dad, baby Girl.

A night of reflection...

As I sit in Hospice with my father I cannot even begin to measure the joy and blessings being this man's daughter has given me.

He is a strong, mild, wise and kind man who shaped me into a woman who can "do anything a man can do, just prettier - and in high heels".   He never made me feel as if I was for one moment a disappointment.  A failure was a moment to see how we can make it right and do it better.   He taught me work is a blessing, and blessings should never be taken for granted.   He taught me unselfish love for everyone.   EVERYONE.  He would, and has, literally given the shirt off his back to people. 
.... And God Blessed.

He prized his family above all.  He was home for breakfast, lunch and dinner with his family pretty much every day of his life.   He and mom had a bond and friendship that was uncanny.  His Irish wit kept her on her toes, and his ornery side kept him flirting with her up until he could not speak.   One of the last things he said was that he loved her.   That's my dad.   Unselfish to a fault.  Always looking for opportunity to love his family. 

As I sit with him now, watching him, praying over him, I see still this strong man.   My superhero who could make every pain go away, make me smile with just a glimmer in his eye.   Holding his hand, I still feel such strength and recall all the times those hands patted my hair and let me know I was his precious treasure, his Baby Girl. 

I will miss his eyes that sparkle with such mischief.  His constant singing or whistling while we did, some little thing in the garage, just to keep his hands busy.   His eyes that told every mood, every emotion every thought. 

I know I got a special gift.   My name was chosen by my parents before they ever had boy 1.   Then mom made dad wait 21 years before he got to give it to me.   I think that is my best birthday present ever.   I will always be and always have been Donna Devine.   Daughter of  Donald Devine, Father, Husband, Grandfather, Teacher.. and the influence to the story of my life.

What is this "Diva" title?

What is this "Diva" title?

I get a couple of different reactions when I tell people my nick name.   Diva - the name Donna Devine literally means Prima Dona which means Diva.    Do I know that when my dad chose my name this was his intention.  No, but it was predestined.  I do believe that.   Diva does not mean I get things my way, and if my caramel mocha latte has too much foam I am going to toss it in your face.  NO!

 It means I am confident in myself.  It means I am not afraid to express my thoughts in a direct manner.   It means I LOVE people and want to build life so that others can live.   It means I hold myself to a responsibility to look my best (and am always working on that).
 It means I am STRONG, even when I am weak.

But what is true strength in a Diva.. 
True strength is knowing I am only as strong as the ones I surround myself with.  True strength is constantly building up the people around me.   True strength is holding my tongue instead of using it to cut and destroy.    Today there are so many ways to tear down people.   Social Media has become a tool of violence in the wrong hands.   So,  let this be said.  My NOTES FROM THE DIVA, are here to uplift and encourage.  My daily struggles, my victories, my faith and my work will permeate these blogs.  Hopefully with humor and insight. 
SO
  - grab a chair and read on ... there are some past tales posted, and many more to come.
~Diva~

Another day in Dream Land

Awake at 6!  Well if you can call it awake.   But the Angel Fish (aka daughter unit), has a new lease on life.

She wants to be at class early - AGAIN, and is determined that her college assignment will be chosen by the professor to be put on display in the Art Institute hall.

 My Angel loves me.   She said yesterday she says "I love you more to me than to anyone in the world."    I do her as well.  She is my sounding board.  We talk and giggle about everything.  I never imagined that a daughter would be like this.  It is more filling than i could imagine.   She has had her time of pain in life.  She has had some sad that a little dumpling shouldn't feel.  She has few close family or friends. She is selective of who she lets close, and rejects people at the first sign of inconsistency.  She has been quite shy her whole life, and had a very low expectation of her abilities.   So, this burst of drive has been... enjoyable (even if at 6am)  but today!!!

On the way in, she started sharing,....
.. (oh she talks just like me).. Mom, its just incredible the people who just sit there and don't try.  They don't care.  They sit back and wait for things.    I have seen you go through so much, and you don't quit.  You have to get  up and do it again.  There is not and option for Fail, only DO.. Do it again, Do it Better, Do it Right!

My face was going to explode from smiling.    Then on the quiet ride back to work I realized, SHE LISTENS, AND WATCHES!    She has got it!   More of her less of me...   YES!

I didn't do the majority of the life lesson ride in that day - SHE did it.
She understands the joy in true study, application and success.  Her Success.
She understands the importance of helping others, but not at the risk of everything,
She understands Love, let your Faith show.  They will ask.  You get to share, gently.


It has been a fight for myself for the past few years.   My struggles, my failures, my re-do's.  
    But her, she is on her way.  My little fishy has sprouted wings.
        I can say through tear filled eyes I will love to see her soar.

Just don't like the idea of her soaring off to Seattle.. ugh,  why can't she dream to work for Disney instead of a Gamer Co.  (heehee)

Diva

A day an night and a good cry.

Date :  A very cold day in November.

I had quite a day of hurt today.  I don't like whining, but I have a bit of body pain.   Today the cold is so harsh today that my bones are breaking inside my body.   I know it is how I am made, and it is one of the wonders as to why God made me this way, but I don't like it.  Not one bit today.
I have made 2 big pots of my favorite soups,  Chili and French Onion, of which I got one bowl of each... I made 20 servings.

This brought up a great point in my house.  I cook less and less, why..
1.  I despise my kitchen.. it is a 9' section of nothing.  I have no space and it is frustrating having every one on top of me as I try to do things.
2.  Food is not appreciated, just devoured.
3.  I get little to none of it.
4.  I don't do the grocery shopping.  So my creativity is at a loss.

And then the words came out..   I was harsh when I found my egg salad, enough for 8 sandwiches.. ALL GONE.. I got one.     I expressed my disapproval to the crowd in the living room.  My response was from the eldest son, a quite ungrateful boy.  Wahh wah wah.  This from a child who has no job, no responsibility and far to many items in his life that give him vanity.  He hurt me.  He knew my pain today and had heard the issues before in the day of all my treats disappearing.  He ate my favorite barbecue chips earlier.   I began to cry...

I don't like crying..  I have high blood pressure, and have a hard time when I start.. I overindulge.  How many times have I overindulged.  But do I hate above all the emotional indulgence.

Well.. after a chat and a friends advise.. here the story lies.
But most of all.. here it will lie...until the book... :)

All will be well,  All will find their peace.  It has to.
The food, I can make again, but the moments... that is what I can never get back.

Can some one say ABOUT TIME! - Fibro and stuff.

OK..

Check, Check... this thing on?

It has been a while since I sat in this chair and opened up for the world to see.

And.. although I will open, I will not open entirely up.  THAT would not be the motivation of this blog.

This Blog is to dish my Pain.

 - not emotional this time, but physical.

... for some time I have hurt.  Physically.  But I don't like to whine (too much) so I push it under the surface, deeper and deeper .. and DEEPER.  But now.. there is no where left for it to go.  I have fibromyalgia.   Fun stuff.  

 Feels like death without dying.  I know many have more and greater pain.  Mine, however is mine.  This makes it NOT trivial to me.   

Tonight.. A chest cold has me coughing.  That has me crying because of every cough.  My body tenses, pulling my bones and nerves.  Feeling like i am in a vice.  Wishing it could just all stop for one moment.  Just some peace.

The nerves in my throat do not allow me to sing any more. (if you know me... OWCH)  But in my head there RINGS A MELODY!

Simple task tonight of shaving my legs felt like I was RIPPING flesh off my body.

Why did God put THIS ONE in my path?

Today I told my daughter that NOTHING is above what God wants us to endure.

... OK GOD.. YOU GOT IT!

So here is my truth.  

I CRY for no reason, until I realize I am barely breathing because of the pain.

I hide in corners of my house at times, trying to get AWAY from it all.

I smile as a constant reaction to hide what I am afraid people will think is INSANITY.

I am STRONGER than this disorder.

I HATE the medication and cannot live with the side effects.

I know God has cures in His NATURE

I wake every day THANKFUL in my FAITH,

....  because

Without my FAITH....  I am nothing.  

And ..we all know.. I am NOT  Nothing... I am FABULOUSLY and WONDERFULLY MADE!

Diva

Lobby Cards - Why it makes a difference.

Lobby cards  - the postcard size, card stock media that bands are passing out before durring and after concerts.

 Why you may ask are these important?  They are picked up and taken home more often than a business card, they are full of info and even a short bio on the band.  It shows the next events, and where the fan can worship and adore your band online.   It also serves as an impromptu autograph page!   Every fan wants to take home some band memories..  This is how to do it AND get into their head.    Lets face it bands... we are a product being sold, and if we learned anything from Mcd's  its be in their FACE!

Diva.. OUT!

 blogspot - Google Search:

'via Blog this'