I am a people person. I can truly tell you there is not any one person that I hate. I dislike the company of some. However, I have always attributed that to my personal taste in character. I know there are people out there that just don't like me... It is going to happen. Not every one is compatible. I can deal with it.
I don't understand how someone can know you day in and day out. Be the voice in your head for so many years, and then turn on you. As if they just woke up and said, "I think I'll ruin her... I have no more use for her... I don't believe her any more. I don't trust her any more.. and I don't even care what she has to say for herself.. I don't care if she lives or dies." that is what it feels like...
That is the bottom line.
I want to talk this all out - and the most hurtful thing of all of it.... I want to talk to her! She was who listened and was open and honest about me being over the top - or right on target....
I have spent the last year and a half floundering from friendship to friendship... Never having that solid love happen. Always they want so much from me... and never willing to give open and honestly back.
I do everything big... so when I love - I love big... friendships are my strong hold. I love people who are completely honest.. no butt kissers here thank you. Tell me I am being a drama queen. I may react hurt at first .. but I will take it into the measure of who I am.
- Do I want to be a drama queen? - Do I want to change.? - How do I do it?
Really - that is the true nature of me.. I love to interact with people so that I can make myself a better person. I love to talk out my problems, and come to an ethical, hopeful conclusion of action.
Somewhere in the past year, I have become a three second friend.. It seems that is all I can maintain a friendship. Why? Perhaps I am the morbidly self centered person I am sometimes told I am. OR ????
I have no real understanding.. but maybe it is all me.. All my failure... All my responsibility.
I just don't know how to love any harder than I do. I don't know how to be kinder than I am.
I am pulled by a company that needs me, a family that needs me and friends that want me... If I choose one, the others suffer.. and on the moments that I blow everyone away and think of myself - all three crumble..
I know where my love comes from. I know I do have those that deeply love me and care about me and who I am more that themselves. They are true friends and I love them back, genuinely.
The bottom line....
I just still miss my friend. Wow... that was hard to say. But, sometimes truth is more painful than lies...
