Only Daughter... for life.

I am of a large family. I am the only daughter, of a very large family. I AM THE DAUGHTER!....

With this title has come a great deal of personal honor. It has also come with a personal cost. I am expected.

... Expected to be there when beckoned. Expected to look a certain way (which changes daily). Expected to entertain. Expected to help out. Expected to mediate. Expected to spoil the younglings. Expected to listen to every word spoken by brother and parent alike. Expected to answer, laugh, or discuss intelligently in reaction to every item that was spoken to me.

I am expected to be DAUGHTER. Expected to know the family stories, Expected to be seen and not heard, Expected to speak my mind, Expected to work without complaint. Expected to love and be loved.... whew....

Well, OK....

I can do this. I have my whole life. I adore my daddy, and I lived for my brothers. I look at my mother as an amazing woman. Capable of such great things, that I was astounded.

Then one day... a day I knew would come... they were old. Mom got sick. She became seriously ill. Then, I weaned my mother through a very desperate battle with lymphacitic leukemia and a serious infection. She developed sepsis. We took her into our home and kept her. I learned to do what I never wanted to do... Change an IV, Give Shots, and Change a colostomy bag. In short... I was an un-educated health care provider. I would never change what I did. I loved the closeness that I earned over the time. I learned so much about my mother, not only from her being there with us, but from my father being around with the opportunity to speak. Mom tends to do the majority of the talking in the family... But my father has such a way of story telling, when he relaxes. He took us down paths of child hood that only I know. He told of how he met my mother at age 10. How strong he knew she was. For the first time in my life.. I saw his desperate love for his wife. She was set to die.. He knew she wouldn't .. He just knew. He is amazing that way. I watched her get stronger and he, got quieter. When the day came and she left my home, we were sad. I would never have traded those days for anything.

I am the DAUGHTER. I don't take my role lightly. I take it very seriously, BUT... It got to a point that I had no life to share. I DID.. but they didn't want to hear it. They wanted to only focus on what their lives were all about. What new and grave illness was lurking around the corner. What did this grandchild do in school, or what grandchild achieved in what sport. All the while doing all the things that were demanded or expected of me. I pulled away. Mom had begun to say things that hurt. Things that she would try to cushion with the exuse of "her age".. At My age I should be able to say what I want... Well - At MY age.. I don't want to hear it.

Some very sharp words were spoken last year by my mother. She criticized every thing in my life. From my marriage, to my children, to my personal appearance. I was used to the mood

shifts as a child. Mom was never the most stable when it came to her mind. Let's face it - the woman was a bit nutty. She spent her time in and out of hospitals for her nerves. Much due to a chemical imbalance, and once that was settled, she has done quite well. With her stability in mind the event so recent could not be attributed to her "mental state". Was it her heart? Was it so much hatred for a daughter who tries so hard to please?..

OH Come on, Lets face it... I don't have a warm fuzzy family. We use "shut up" as a term of endearment. We just started hugging when we all became parents. We tell each other we love each other, only when it is needed. Heck, We can go years without talking to each other, and we act as if this is a normal way of family life. But the words spoken by my mother... the one woman I needed to approve of me. Those words cut too deep.

For the first time in my life, I would not speak to my mother. No matter how angry with her I had ever been in the past, I always pushed it down and forgave. It was the Christian thing to do! My obligation as her daughter, just take it and shut up. But this time... This time, these words, this life... I could not. It was on the advise of a friend that I finally answered when my mother called, 4 months later. A friend who really didn't know me well. He asked how things were and then heard my phone click, "Do you need to get that?" he asked. I answered " It's my mom... were not speaking."... He responded, "If she is calling, she has something to say.. It may be the last thing she says to you, Donna... do you want it to be a message?" I played it off like no big deal for a while. He then said, "Diva, I am hanging up. You need to talk to your mom. It is just the right thing to do."

Now, I don't know if he just wanted to get off the phone and used that for the "why", but I couldn't get away from the thought that the last words my mother has for me, could be spoken to a recording... So I called. Was there an apology for how she acted.. NOPE. But there was MY MOM. The one that held my hand when I was scared. The one that brushed the knots out of my overly curly hair. The Mom that told me that people were more important than anything else in life. And I remembered. One moment can hurt, but a lifetime heals. She and I have a lifetime...

I know that as a teen I hurt her. I don't remember it... But I am sure that I did. So, if in her senior years, she slips, and hurts me... from now on, it is a moment of hurt, but I know I have a lifetime of love, adoration and pride that she feels for me. It is evident every time I look at my children. I know, because I feel the same. They will rebel, and hurt and I cant do a thing about it. Except, love for a lifetime. Learn from my mother's love and hurt. Grow with a Godly heart, and Pray... Pray.. Pray, that I show patience as I pass on my role as "The Daughter" to my little angel. Because no matter how much I may complain, and I hope and pray I don't do much any more, I LOVE being the DAUGHTER. I love the special place I hold in my brothers and parents lives. And this is the joy that my only daughter and I can share. That she will always be loved in such a special way. As the Only one of her kind. Her brothers Sister and Parent's Daughter.

I'm Just Sayin'

You know you have heard that a million times in the past few years.  
I heard it just today and let myself stop and think about how ridiculous that phrase is.  
If I said what I said.. I was saying it.  Do I need a caveat?  Need I explain that I am saying the actual words that I just said?

OK OK!
I use that phrase.  I am a satirical master. But when I do use it what EXACTLY do I mean by it?
"I'm just sayin'"   ...   Is it an easy way out to say something rude or insulting or even debasing and since.. "I'm just sayin'"..does that somehow make it socially acceptable?   Am i trying somehow to soften the blow of a deep and penetrating truth?   Do I find the need to hide behind these words so that I do not have to own up to what is following/preceding them?   Perhaps if "I'm just sayin' "   I may not need to be sayin' at all?

Now, most of the time this phrase is used in fun and jest.  I love to joke and am probably one of the more sharp tongued of my friends.  I use too harsh a word from time to time and have to pay my penance of apologies.  BUT.. If ,  I'm just saying.. you look like you slept in those clothes... is it somehow softer than, What? you sleep in those?  I may have to make this a preface to each phrase I speak.   Even if I do find it a bit redundant.  I am saying what I am saying, or I wouldn't be saying it after all.

It has almost become the new "like"...   Listening to my  teens talk, is like, almost, like, a western union telegraph., like....
I am going to the mall (stop), like, so I can, (stop) like, get new shoes, (stop) like, and wear them (stop) like, to the after party.

This epidemic has spread to the adult world as well.   At  a recent business meeting one of the presenters was riddled with the "Like" button.  She said "Like", like 40 times in a single paragraph... I couldn't concentrate at all on what was being said.   Her point was valid, her argument to advancement in the community was endearing, but, like, all the while, I like, was hash marking, every, like that, she, like was saying.  I lost her point completely.  It was, like.. so annoying. Someone should talk to her, not ME!
... I'm just sayin'.